Most days I wake up and everything is great, or at least good. Today is not one of those days. I have been reflecting all day about my life. I have a job where I sit and type all day and so my mind tends to wander. Sometimes, I try not to do that because I start obsessing or feeling bad about something but I guess it's because I'm sick and just feeling like crap that everything really just seems to suck today. I don't really have any reason to think my life sucks but right now, at this very moment it does. I feel like dog poop and all I want to do is lie down and take a nap. But I can't. I have work to do. I can't call in sick. I work at home. If I had a job outside of the house I probably would call in sick but I don't and so I'll sit in my jeans and sweatshirt and type away, and daydream about laying in bed and sleeping my sick away.
I think what bums me out lately is just that I look at everyone and feel like they have everything together. I mean, I have lots of lists and schedules and things I should be doing but I see everyone else and they are lovely and talented and can speak without second guessing everything they say like I do. and I hate it. I can't seem to get anything accomplished without struggling. I don't know why I'm different and can't ever get anything done. I'm constantly busy but I look back at the end of the day sometimes and wonder what I really did. I don't watch TV all day, sometimes not more than 30 minutes all day. I procrastinate here and there but not significant amounts of time. Then I start wondering what I would do if I weren't sitting and typing all day? You know that question where someone asks if money were no object what would you do and that is supposed to be the profession you should go into? Well, I always blank out with that one. I don't want to commit to one thing, which means I haven't committed to anything. I like lots of things and do a little bit of everything, but it changes quickly and I worry to pick something and then hate it. Then I worry that I've wasted this much of my life just not committing to one thing. Today, I want to sleep that's all. I also want to crochet my friend's baby blanket. I just started it and the colors are awesome. So, I guess there is something I would do today if I weren't typing my life away, but tomorrow it will likely change. *sigh*